by Hannah Chutzpah
You with the dark eyes
The electric smile
And the relationship:
Your attention pulled me taut
I walked your compliments like a tightrope
Wobbled between aloof & over-eager
Dismounted with a bow
Cheek-kiss goodbye
Walked home alone, unsure of the show
All sickly yearning and heartstring regret
* * *
It is sweet, sweet, lipmelt soft
It is years of warm maybe
Of hidden smiles now arrived
As awkward-nervous to see me
As I am it.
It is sweet, sweet, lipmelt soft
A trail of small kindnesses
Still warm from the road
It is feeling no fear at his height or strength
His fingers running through my hair
As he grips – holds – our lips less than an inch apart
It is that small gasp, expectant surrender
And then
It is sweet, sweet lipmelt soft
* * *
Whether or not these were the terms discussed
I adored you
I am tired of swallowing almost-love back down
Like a swearword
Pretending it never was when it turns out
Inconvenient
My scalded throat the price
Of peace
Mouth silent
Belly full
I am tired of being
Reasonable
Hannah Chutzpah | @Hannah_Chutzpah
Hannah Chutzpah has been described as ‘fine’ by three therapists, as ‘of good character’ by a high court judge, and as a ‘potential maggot-thrower’ by the Metropolitan police. Her new book Permeable is being published by Burning Eye Books next week.