by Hannah Chutzpah

You with the dark eyes
The electric smile
And the relationship:
Your attention pulled me taut
I walked your compliments like a tightrope
Wobbled between aloof & over-eager
Dismounted with a bow
Cheek-kiss goodbye
Walked home alone, unsure of the show
All sickly yearning and heartstring regret

* * *

It is sweet, sweet, lipmelt soft
It is years of warm maybe
Of hidden smiles now arrived
As awkward-nervous to see me
As I am it.

It is sweet, sweet, lipmelt soft
A trail of small kindnesses
Still warm from the road
It is feeling no fear at his height or strength
His fingers running through my hair
As he grips – holds – our lips less than an inch apart
It is that small gasp, expectant surrender
And then

It is sweet, sweet lipmelt soft

* * *

Whether or not these were the terms discussed
I adored you

I am tired of swallowing almost-love back down
Like a swearword

Pretending it never was when it turns out
Inconvenient

My scalded throat the price
Of peace

Mouth silent
Belly full

I am tired of being
Reasonable

Hannah Chutzpah | @Hannah_Chutzpah

Hannah Chutzpah has been described as ‘fine’ by three therapists, as ‘of good character’ by a high court judge, and as a ‘potential maggot-thrower’ by the Metropolitan police. Her new book Permeable is being published by Burning Eye Books next week.